I Like My Cigar Too, But...

I don't know why I've been percolating up memories of old 50's shows lately, but after writing the Ozzie & Harriet post a few days ago I was thinking about the "You Bet Your Life Show" with Groucho Marx. There was supposedly an infamous episode, that I didn't see, that went something like the following:

Groucho: "Well hello there sir, and what is your name?"
Guest: "Haylo Meester Groucho. My name ees Gonsalez Gonsalez."
Groucho: "And where are you from Mr. Gonsalez?"
Guest: "I am from Guadalooopay Mayheeco, Meester Groucho."
Groucho: "Mayheeco, huh? Is that anywhere near Mexico?"
Guest: "Oh, si, Meester Groucho."
Groucho: "Are you married, have any kids?"
Guest: "Oh, si, Meester Groucho. I am hapeely married and have 15 woonderful cheeldrens."
Groucho (eyebrows raised): "Fifteen children? How do you explain so many children Mr. Gonsalez?"
Guest: "Well, Meester Groucho, I luff my wife Rosalita very mooch."
Groucho (taking cigar from his mouth): "Well, I love my cigar too…but I take it out once in a while."

I have heard from many sources that this actually got him kicked off the air…but, that's probably myth since tv was so heavily edited back then. In any case, those of you of my vintage might be able to imagining him doing a little skit like that, raising his eyebrows, making those facial expressions, etc.

Even though I was only a kid I loved his sense of humor. Some famous Groucho quotes:

• A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
  
  
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  
  
• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
  
  
• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
  
  
• I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
  
  
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
  
  
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
  
  
• I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
  
  
• Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
  
  
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I don't know.
  
  
• Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
  
  

Badaboom Badabing...



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The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did."

"Then what?" asked the sheriff.

"Well, we go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did."

"Then what?" the sheriff asks again.

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did."

"And then what?" the sheriff asks a third time.

"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did."

"And?" the sheriff urges him to continue.

"And then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy'... And here I am."

A Thoughtful Gift

It's Friday afternoon and I'm burned out from working so hard this week. I thought a little humor might be in order...

Four brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the holiday gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."