Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Another Bar Story...This One's For Duke

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I probably spend too much time in bars, but if I didn't where would I get all these stories to share?

Actually, I wasn't going to post about this until the weekend, since I should be working on my book, but after reading my friend Duke of Earle's post today about his trip to Austin, I figured he could use a story.

I'm in Chicago (actually a suburb of) this week. Last night I tried this place for dinner and, as usual, decided to sit at the bar and eat (see...I don't just go to these places to drink). It was packed and I figured there was a good chance of getting into one of my usual discussions with people. As it turned out, I was more of an observer this time.

So I'm sitting at one end of the rectangular-shaped bar. Right about in the middle of the bar are three twenty-something Hispanic girls sitting with a guy...two to his left, one to his right. The one to his right was extremely overweight...we're talking 200-pounder...and she was taking turns giving me the eye and talking with the guy, which I have to admit was flattering considering our age difference. After half an hour she got up and went home to take care of her babitas. One of her girlfriends then turned her attention to the guy.

Did I mention that they were pretty drunk? And, they spoke perfect English, no trace of an accent until they got really shit-faced.

Anyway, I couldn't hear all the words in the conversation because the place was pretty loud (ahem...not that I'd ever eavesdrop), but I (and everyone else at the bar) did catch a few of the phrases she shouted over the roar of the crowd:

"Fuckin' Sox rule!" (the Sox game was playing on the tv)
"I probly shouldn've beat my fuckin' daughter so much..."
"I used to beat her fuckin' ass so much man..."
"I grew up in New York City, man. You don' know shit. You grew up in a fuckin' white bread box, man..."
"Are you Norte Americano, or are you just gay?" (to the Hispanic guy stocking the bar with fresh glasses)

Meanwhile, her other girlfriend, who was even drunker, was talking to the air. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but the bartender had to tell her to be quiet several times. She started looking left and right, a mean look on her face, like she was looking for someone to start a fight with. The blondie girls to her left turned their backs to her, I guess so they wouldn't make eye contact. Finally, she called someone on her cell phone and started cursing at them.

The guy talking with the child beater got his check and left. The child beater went running after him. Just as he pushed through the revolving door I heard him yell "No way," to which she replied "Why the fuck not?"

Right about that time the Jimmy Buffet song "Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw" popped into my mind. I was tempted to start singing it, but feared it might make me her next victim, so I decided to hold my wise-ass tongue.

She then returned to her seat and proceeded to argue with her girlfriend. By this time, the bartender was ready to cut them off, and asked if they needed a ride home. They didn't like that at all, and insisted that they were okay to drive. The bartender pushed to let her call them a cab.

"Fuck you. I'll get my own fuckin' ride, fuck face."

A guy shows up, and one of the girls starts slobbering all over him. Turns out he was going to drive them home. They had a few more drinks and left. As they were leaving they passed by two elderly guys and decided to hit on them.

"Hey man, you like whad you see?"
"Hey man, you wan' some a this?"

The guys just turned away from them and continued their conversation, to which one of the girls replied:

"You don' know whad you missing, man. Whad', you no like some chica poosie?"

The last thing I heard their male friend say was "You better not puke in my car."

As soon as the chicas left, the blondies who had been sitting next to them started gossiping like a bunch of barbie bitches.

Oh, and I stopped for a drink at another place on the way back to my hotel...and there's another very different story there. But, that's another post.

Now I need to get back to the novel...before I head out again tonight.

Badaboom Badabing...


kenju said...

Ooooh, classy!

Anonymous said...

Ohhh man,I almost peed myself laughing! Reminds me of my observing days at the Biltmore. Classy indeed!

Duke_of_Earle said...

...And the Duke appreciates it. Now I know what to do: find a crowded restaurant with a bar and eat at the bar.

Thanks, BB. I'll try that next time!